I can’t believe I reached the 27th of December, 2016 especially when there were days when I did not feel like waking up & stepping outside the house. It took me a reality check to realise that December 2016 was here. Nothing was easy, nothing seemed do-able, every day of just reaching work was a huge challenge.
There were countless weekends spent away in hibernation and not wanting to face or meet people. There were other weekends when I felt like the world could take a hike, I would celebrate life as it is.There were days when every hour seemed to never end and I only managed to perform the basic functions and hit my bed and sleep like nothing else mattered. The world felt black and grey and like nothing else ever mattered. Weekdays were not bad, I met people at work and stayed busy, I realised by August that it was getting impossible to do the normal chores that I normally do and decided to load my weekends with more work and not have empty spaces to wallow in. The emptiness hit me and at times I felt so empty and lost at times, I craved for company and friendship yet seemed too tired to make plans or go out with existing friends or revive new connections.
What was scary was the sense of lack of purpose or emptiness and as if everything had failed. The mind is lost and trying to grapple with reality yet there is a sense of loss.
Perhaps some of you reading this must be wondering if I could not take up another hobby or work on my fitness, those were activities that just seemed like a herculean task. Especially since I was struggling with mundane tasks and just survival.
Did I get angry, anger was not that high an emotion, there was a sense of emptiness and desolation and loneliness and I felt time was definitely not on my side. I could not keep to timings and deadlines at times and sometimes I felt I was drifting in vacuum and completely alone. It did not make things easier when there were so many things happening simultaneously on the personal front.
I felt completely lost and resorted to alcohol sometimes to just cope or sleep. I binge watched tons of movies, sometimes two a day to just keep my mind away. I met a few friends and did not like the sort of conversation that took place between them and me and eventually stuck to meeting very very few friends. I decided firmly I would not smoke no matter how tough it got and my will power helped me fight that. Even alcohol would never cross 2 pegs on a weekday unless it was an occasion, I made a conscious choice not to repeat the mistake I made in 2013 and 2014, I would never be addicted anything or let it control my mind and feelings.
Dealing with depression is not easy, battling it is not easy either, either you tell your mind to get your act together or fall apart. There is a conscious choice I made to fight it out despite every bone in my body telling me it was all over. I wanted to fight it till I could overcome and unless I steeled my resolve, I knew things would only get worse. I read different ways of dealing and saw that many were prescribed anti-depressants which I did not want to resort to unless it was completely unavoidable. I felt lost and desolate and read tons of articles on how to cope and positive quotes to motivate myself.
Seeing familiar faces on social media was not easy but then again even if you run you cannot hide is what I kept telling myself. Choosing to face life was a choice I had to make every day. I also had to deal with my own sensitive nature (sensitivity can be a blessing or a curse at times). The flipside is since I work on social media, escaping that was not ever a choice, there were days I did not want to login and stay logged in and just delete all my accounts. Yet I could never exercise the choice of deleting all my social media accounts.
The irony of this is I work as a Public Relations Manager and deal with publicity but my work kept me sane and going. Every work victory increased my confidence. But it was not all green and rosy cause every defeat and failure at work affected me deeply.
Long time a mentor told me that your work stays with you and the show must go on, those words kept me going. I am sure wherever my grandparents are they watched over me during the grey and black times and made sure I was alright.
I will continue to share my experience cause I firmly believe that sharing this might be a ray of light for someone who is fighting it all alone and giving in should not be an option ever.