A little bit of sunshine, wine, whisky, beer, chocolate and a lot of heartbreak.. That kinda sums up my 2016. I made a sort of a list of the kind of events that happened this year and then I realised that every year this time of the year makes me reflective.
Over the years the reflections and learnings have changed and the wishes are different, time has flown, I don’t know at times where 28 years have disappeared. When I was 4 and a half I was in Scotland for Christmas and then at 5 and a half mum and me flew across the globe to meet my grandma who had suffered from a heart attack. At 9 my parents got separated and I moved to a different city and different family trying to learn new ways and new customs, everything was new all over again including school. At 10 I remember my Donald Duck cake,not realising it would be a part of a sort of archive of sorts for me. My 6 birthday cake was a dinosaur. Those two I remember vividly. I am told my first birthday cake was themed Snow White & the 7 Dwarfs. Flashing to my 29th birthday- the cake was a simple chocolate cake homemade and truly delicious.
This year I caught up with a few friends, managed to go on 2 trips with friends in the country. I did not go for any International holiday as I had planned when I was 21 years old. My 21 year old self had planned to go on a holiday every year and explore the ends of the earth.
I was seeing someone then with whom I thought the world would be a perfect place but that was a mentally abusive relationship, both were high strung and going through different pressures, it was a long distance relationship as well which was the least of the concern. His threats and emotional abuse took a toll on me and eventually when he graduated from Med School and started working I told him it was off. He never believed that we had broken off and it felt as it was an unfinished romance which it was not. I needed to exit from that relationship because I realised we were very different people and our dreams and goals had changed and we had fallen out of love and always quarrelling over the simplest of things. Since we were good friends before we ever dated, things got complicated but closure was important. I realise now that I am 29 that graceful closure is a matter of time and nurturing. The relationship had exhausted me since I was doing all the motivating, encouraging, supporting and communication gaps and cracks existed. I was tired of being pulled up for why I was shopping or spending money, but the gifts I gave were taken happily and there were no complaints about any of them. Meanwhile I was working in a hectic profile and this constant lack of peace in my personal space was causing a huge amount of stress. Now looking back I realise how naive and vulnerable I was at 21. Permanency never happened and we walked off our different ways and stayed in touch in bits and pieces over the years. I wonder if I was seeing a dream or hoping too much at that age? Until I saw my cousin getting married this year, she was all of 21 and now is happily married to the love of her life.
This was not what I set to write but somewhere felt had to be expressed. It is not a rant, it taught me a lot and today I look at relationships differently. He also kept telling me not to keep journals and only depressed people wrote in them which I disagreed about. I wish him well in all he does and hope he meets someone who values him for who he is and he respects that space which is what makes or breaks a relationship.